This post is written by Unknown!
Hello!
I find myself waking up very depressed today.
This isn't what I wanted or imagined for us. The pain, the disability, the loss, the location, the distance. Everything.
There's lots of good in our life; we're in a healthy stable place with a great partner; and nothing is especially better about last year than this year. If anything, this year is better because we have actual friends to celebrate with-- but damn, the depression still hits.
I want to curl up in my bed, cancel all my plans, and talk to no one. I want to self isolate in my pity. It's very pathetic. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe its just that one day a year where expectations really crash in. It was supposed to feel like a refresh, a restart to all the pain I'd experienced in my younger adult life (I know, Im still young, but now I can legally drink- which I know, changes basically nothing, but still, work with me here). I sit here listening to Alana's agressive british music, she wasn't depressed when she came out earlier; she ate like 3 slices of cheesecake! I'm so tired. I just needed to get this out of my system so we can move on and have a good day.
Later we're hanging out with Jacy, and tomorrow we're spending the day with our partners, the Matriarch System. Lots of fun will happen, but the waiting period till we even see Jacy feels agonizingly lonely. We usually don't have a problem being alone at home anymore, but today it feels like salt in the wound to not see people till the evenining, I don't understand why?